Where you'll find me

I borrowed "The Terminator" from Eric this week. This is the third time I've plopped it in the DVD player in the past five days. It's a Denison family favorite and the nostalgia puts me straight to sleep. Add it to the list of things that keeps me weird. Anyway, tonight I'm using it as background noise so I can finally crank out a blog post. 

I've been MIA for weeks now. The thought of updating this blog has exhausted me to the point where I don't even begin to write. This has always served as an emotional outlet for me and although the past few weeks have been incredibly emotional, I just don't have the energy at this juncture to spill my guts. I hope you'll settle for a picture update and just a little glimpse into my life at this moment.

The Bearcats. They've been winning, and I've been able to make it to a handful of games including the big win this past weekend. They're headed to Florence, Alabama for another chance at a national title. Guess who's going? This girl!

I did a wine tasting in Weston with Chris, Sara & Tim. Friends, laughter, and wine. It's hard to go wrong.

I've been making a movie with Eric and loving every minute of it, except for that whole part of the Louisville adventure where I thought I was dying. Never figured out what it was, but I enjoyed the trip nonetheless. Eric is a good travel partner.

I've been celebrating new adventures. Eric and I  can't wait to start our second of two projects this year.  Life is challenging, but it is good.

I've been listening to Willie, Waylon, and George Jones records.  I've grown up a lot since the first time I spotted records in a thrift store with my sister over ten years ago. "Hey look at these. They're cool. You could like...collect them."

And now I do collect them and I've been enjoying the hunt for those perfect records. I've found a few. Eric and I have enjoyed kicking up our feet after logging tape and listening to good music...until you have to flip it. The record player will go in the new office--another current project. 

I've been spending time with family. My nephew is getting so big. I had a lovely getaway to St. Louis with my big sis and had some time to spend with my brother and his family.

I went to a Christmas Tree farm with Eric. I capitalized "Christmas Tree" because it was that exciting for me.  I always had fake trees growing up, Everyone should go at least once in their lives. I figured 26 was as good an age as any.

I attended my friends' annual holiday party. I showed up to these two crazy santas. It was just a good reminder of why I love my friends.

I got back to the gym. I've lost 10 of the 22 pounds I gained back. I'm only 10 pounds away from liking myself again. Kidding,but not kidding. The marathon is out because of lingering knee problems but triathlon training starts January 1st. Eric and I will do this or we'll die trying. If anyone is on the tri boat, let me know. Love workout buddies!

We're redoing the office. We're making it officey. This picture doesn't do justice to the progress we've made. But just know it's going to be epic and we'll get to say we did it all by ourselves. DIY. I'm about it.

There's been a lot more in between all this, a lot more people I've spent time with, a lot more challenges I've faced, a lot more fun I've had, and a lot more experiences I didn't capture. But for the most part, this is where you'll find me. I'm somewhere close to happy, though never content. Keep pushing forward. There's a lot more adventure to come...

Making movies, learning lessons, and growing up

I cry about everything now and I’ll probably cry when I write this. I’ll keep you posted.

I want to write this now, before life gets so hectic that I don’t have time to. I want to write this now, so that I can remember how important this really is to me when I feel like giving up. I want to write this now because I haven’t before and I’m feeling blessed.

It was August when we found out that Dream Season had been nominated for a Mid-America Regional Emmy. It was a surprise for a lot of different reasons, but mostly because Eric and I are just two stupid kids still trying to figure out what we’re doing.  The nomination came almost a year after our first documentary premiered in Maryville and long after I was willing and ready to close the Dream Season chapter of my life.

But things happen for a reason. I’ve always believed that, even though I try to ignore that thought when I want to feel miserable about life.

Cry Katie, let it out, no one cares. God’s punishing you.

I so often forget that those hard times make the good times better.

Making a movie…it’s not as easy as it looks. Did you know that you need permission for everything and you have to pay a million people a bajillion dollars to even entertain the notion? As we entered post-production on Dream Season we were hit with more unexpected expenses and fees (because we’re just two stupid kids remember?) and Eric just looked at me and said, “Tell me that everything is going to be all right.”

It wasn’t the first time we thought about throwing in the towel. By that point we had every single video we needed to create our movie, but quitting was still an option. It was always an option, and to be honest, at some points…not a bad one.  I don’t know that it would have been a bad decision then, but I do know now that it would have been the wrong one.

I can’t watch Dream Season without wanting to bang my head against a wall. I think people always feel that way about their own work. There are so many things I would have done differently if I could go back and at least 352 ways I could make it better now. When Dream Season was happening, I fantasized about future projects but when it ended, I couldn’t see us pushing through to create anything else. I came to terms with that and I even told Eric, “If this is the only thing we ever do, I’ll be proud of us.” Despite knowing things now that could have made it better, I am confident that we told an incredible story, met some amazing people, and shared an experience that I’ll never forget. It changed my confidence, my attitude toward life, and my appreciation of Eric.

“As with any Journey, who you travel with can be more important than your destination.”

Eric. 

This almost seems like an open letter to him, and maybe on some level it is. But it’s mostly for me. I don’t want to forget how important he is and how blessed I am to have him by my side for these projects, especially knowing I’ll probably shoot eye darts at him consistently and shower him with profanities 17 times over the next two weeks…and it’s only the beginning of this new journey. Sorry in advance.

Eric and I became friends in college. Go Bearcats!  We are so different, but also so very much alike in so many ways, but let’s get to what matters here. I asked Eric, in the middle of Dream Season production, “Did you think six years ago when we met, we’d be making a documentary together now?” Absolutely not. 

It’s one of my favorite things to think about. How quickly and fiercely life pushes you in a new direction. Our friendship has definitely had its ups and downs, as most do. Forgiveness is important to me, and we’ve extended that kindness to each other on many occasions. Not the fake forgiveness that buys you a little bit of time, but the genuine forgiveness that makes it possible to do things like this together, not kill each other, and actually learn, grow, and have some fun.

Eric. He’s bad at accepting forgiveness. He’s generally late. He sometimes can’t remember a conversation I had with him two minutes ago (probably because he wasn’t listening), and he avoids confrontation like the plague. I mean that when I say it…like.the.plague.

He’s irritated now reading this.

UGH. I’m always listening! What do you mean I avoid confrontation?!

But Eric taught me a lot of things over the past few years. Take risks, be confident, have some damn fun. He taught me that you can’t take EVERYTHING so seriously. I learned that you can take a poster off a wall for an interview shot and climb on the back of your car to shoot the sun set and you’re probably not going to be arrested. I learned that the only way to get better at something is to just frickin do it. I learned that coffee is actually a necessity for some people and that red wine is better than white.

Eric.  What I learned about him. He’s a dreamer. He’s the type of person you text and say, “Let’s make a movie.” And then you actually do. He’s a little bit reckless, but almost always rewarded for his risks. When he’s not? Eh, move on. He’s the kind of person who doesn’t always have the words he needs to say, but also the kind that will send you flowers when your hard drive crashes. He’s brilliant and unbelievably talented.

(Here are the tears. Knew I wouldn’t make it through.)

He’s also the type of guy that says, “Yeah, let’s do this,” when you ask if he wants to make another documentary…even knowing everything we went through before. For two smart people, we sure can be stupid.  J

I’M SO EXCITED! We have not only one, but two projects in the works. Life hits you fast. And before you’re know it you’ve gone from just two kids who don’t know what they’re doing to two adults who know just enough, just enough to maybe make something great. That’s the goal. We've been blessed with more awesome opportunities and I won't waste them.

All those feelings from Dream Season have rushed back over me. Not the hard times, those pass. The excitement of the experience, the people we’re going to meet, the goals we intend to reach. Those thoughts have my head spinning and more than a little excited. I’m pumped. With everything I learned from Eric over the past few years, my dad, and the other great people I’m surrounded by, I’m confident that we can do this. Unlike last time, I’m not afraid of failing. We’re going to mess up. This is going to be hard.

This is going to be worth it.

Thanks in advance to my team of supporters who I know will be joining us on this adventure. Sorry in advance to Eric. I’ve only had one tantrum so far; Things are looking good.

Life is short. Here’s to risk, passion, trials, fun, and reward. Let’s do this.

Inspiration

I don't feel inspired to write or share right now. In fact, I feel everything but that. What's the opposite of joyful and hopeful? I never write when I'm feeling down. There's a reason for this. There are actually about 33 reasons and they can all be found as posts on my college blog. EMBARRASSING.

When we're feeling blue and depleted, it's so common to turn our days into pity parties. I actually texted a friend today and asked him to "send me something nice", because I was feeling so poorly about myself.  That's not fishing for compliments or encouragement, it's demanding it. Now, I get to feel bad about that too.

Has the lonely bug hit me or what? I've found a lot of comfort in being a strong, independent woman, but these days I desperately long for a hand to hold and someone to call who thinks the sun shines out my ass no matter what mood I'm in or what success or failure I've seen over the day.

I've gained nearly 20 pounds in the past four months. Not 20 pounds of muscle, but 20 pounds of plain old fat. No excuses, although I want to make them. I feel worse about myself and my body than I did when I was 368 pounds. The difference is, I care now. I care about the way I look, the way I feel, how others perceive me, and how much abuse this young (but old) body of mine can take from me.

I'm not writing this blog at an attempt to "get back on the wagon." I'm already there. But what scares me is how very important attitude is toward everything in our lives. The "I can do this" mentality has been the only attitude that has garnered me any success this far in life. Every moment that I've felt like I can't...well...I haven't.

Today I'm feeling like I can't do this, any of it. I can't do the two new projects that Eric and I signed on for. I can't lose this weight. I can't meet my work goals. I can't find my happy. For so long, I've used so much strength from within to fight my demons, but for the first time in a long time...I'm going to look to outside sources, at least until I get back to that place again where I feel like nothing in the world can stop me.

My dad, Eric, my students, my family and friends...they're my motivation for now. I'm inspired by others' successes, and I hope with just a little help, I can kick all this negativity to the curb. Frankly, I don't have the time or the life for it.

The power of forgiveness

Watching my family cry was really difficult.  Saying goodbye was even worse. Knowing I'd never see her again was almost unbearable, but when my mom was dying, I had to do the hardest thing I had ever done. I had to forgive her.

My relationship with my mom was always turbulent, but my memories of her are very fond. I don't remember a lot of my childhood, one that my dad says is probably worth forgetting anyway. I know I had a privileged life as a kid, that was sprinkled with verbal and emotional abuse that I've long since forgotten. It wasn't much different than the kid next door, but we all grow up and learn that we have to face our own pasts to have a future, no matter the good we've lost or the bad we've held onto.

My mom never told me she was sorry. She never apologized for any pain or sadness she had caused. But holding her hand on that day she told me that , "Everything is going to be alright, but I'm not going to make it,"...It just really didn't matter. How much of my 15 years had I wasted being bitter? How many great moments had I missed with my mom because it was just easier to be angry than move on? I still cringe at that thought, but the truth is...as hard as it was to forgive my mom, it was even more difficult to forgive myself.

You do and say a lot of mean things when you can't forgive. People don't drive you crazy; bitterness does. I was so sorry for all the heartless words that left my mouth, the hate I hissed, and the nearly cruel things I had done towards my mother because I had felt so slighted, so hurt. I don't really remember any of those things now. Mostly I just remember the great times I shared with my mom, the way she pushed her glasses to the tip of her nose to balance her checkbook, and how she'd dance around the kitchen to embarrass my little sister. I don't remember the all-out fights, but I do remember how she'd squeeze me tight afterwards and say, "You're my sweetheart."

I really forgave her. I really forgave myself. Maybe I used my forgiveness to block out all that bad  alone...maybe it was a gift, but either way I've truly seen the power of forgiveness. It was my general inability to forgive myself for other parts of my life that left me fragile, furious, and fat for so many years. Bitterness can really guide your life if you let it. It's a conscious decision to be miserable that I stopped making when I decided to get fit and start living a full life. I started the long and winding journey to forgiving myself that ultimately resulted in a much happier, much healthier me.

But I'm human. I'm far from perfect, and I've learned that I'll need to forgive myself for a lot of things in the years to come. I stopped forgiving myself for slip-ups and mistakes, and like clockwork I stopped forgiving the people around me for the ways that they had wronged me. It's lead to a couple really depressing months, a general feeling of being lost, a lack of motivation, a desire to eat...EVERYTHING, and a lot of built up bitterness.

I'm so bitter toward some people in my life right now, that I can taste the anger on my tongue. These are people I love. These are people, who like me, are doing the best they can. Honestly, some people's best is just pretty shitty. You have to love them, forgive them, and wait for them to come to their own life realizations or you have to let them go. Forgiving and forgetting is hard, but it's worth it. Because the only person you're destroying by withholding forgiveness, is yourself.

Forgiving someone for being a complete jackass isn't weak. Forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give someone, and it's an even greater gift you give yourself. It isn't an invitation for them to continue the same behavior, nor is it a guarantee that you'll never have to forgive again. Forgiveness is just a chance to make some wrongs right. It's a chance to share more good times than bad with the people you love. Or it's a chance to forget and move on from the people you don't love.

I'm going to have to forgive myself for a lot that has happened the past couple months if I want to stay on track and run a marathon in February. I'm going to have to forgive myself if I'm going to forgive these other people in my life who just can't seem to get it right these days. I love them though and I have faith that this phase of life will pass. They'll get it right, sooner rather than later.  One day I'll need their forgiveness, and I'll hope they'll decide the same thing that I have; They're worthy of my forgiveness and so am I.

Chad

People have always commented on how honest my blog is. I've admitted to embarrassing things on this page. I've shared some real emotions and admitted to numbers and stories that I'm not proud of. So, why stop now?

I hit my first true emotional and physical rut over the course of this past month. I've gained back nearly 10 pounds of the weight I've lost. 

Gained. 

Wow. I never thought I'd have to use that word referencing my weight, ever again. The thought of it really saddens me. I've hid the whole struggle (as best I can), from my family and friends. This process has become such an important part of my life, that I'm actually losing sleep over it. I can't sleep, but I can certainly eat and I've watched myself do things I promised I'd never do again. I've let other people and sadness dictate what I do with my body. I let the instant gratification of delicious food and laziness win this past month. I'm sick of it, plain and simple.

How do I stop it? As humans we are so incredibly stubborn. Sometimes we can't even convince ourselves to do the things we desperately need to do.  We self-sabatage. It's unfortunate, but sometimes it takes tragedy to remind us how valuable our own life is. 

Last week, Chad Rogers went for a run and never came home to his wife and baby. I was hundreds of miles away at the time, but I felt deeply connected to the story. Maybe it was the fact that he was from my town, or perhaps because he was close to people I know. But I think the truth is, I felt connected to him because he was a runner. I almost came home a day early to help search for him.

I couldn't help thinking about the whole situation, how connected we all are no matter how different the lives are that we lead. His scent was last picked up close to my apartment building, in a place that I, myself have run. Our feet have hit the same pavement, we've passed the same old fuel shop, and probably waved to the same old lady that gardens in the early-morning heat. 

We probably thought about different things on our runs. We probably ran for different reasons. He was a marathon runner and he could probably run my route in half the time it takes me. He was the type of runner that if I passed him, I'd probably change my route to avoid the embarrassment of him seeing me run like a turtle. I don't know much about him, but I know we were different. But I also know that for one reason or another, we would both run.

Did I ever pass him? I've seen so many people on my runs, I could never remember all the faces. I was supposed to run the night he disappeared, but I ultimately decided against it. My mind raced around this thought after he first went missing.

I didn't come home early from my trip, but my roommate and I had already planned to head out and search when I got home. I received word on my drive home that Chad's body had been found.  It was found in a portable restroom at the school by my old apartment, where I spent the first year of my journey training. I ran my first real mile on that track, lost my first 100 pounds. I experienced a lot of sadness over that news, a lot of sadness for a man I never met. I immediately thought of his family, and I watched as they thanked the community in a news conference that afternoon.

It was a tragic end to a story that deeply impacted so many people in my town. And although the town mourned and thought of the family, I imagine they were also thinking the same thing I thought...That could have been me. That could have been anyone. It could have been a friend or a family member, someone I loved. 

When the news first broke of his disappearance, he was referred to as a Liberty runner. I realized that only a day later, that I was referencing him just as "Chad". Chad was a Liberty resident who happened to value one of the same things I do. Running meant something to him. I'll probably never know exactly what, but I know enough to know that it was important to him. 

So what does this all mean? Why has Chad's story become a part of mine? 

We're all human. We're all stubborn in our own ways. We're all valuable. We forget to take care of ourselves. You forget when you're busy living, how painfully short life is.  We stay in dead-end jobs, waste time on hopeless relationships, say things we shouldn't say, and forget to say the things we should. We pass up opportunities for greatness to avoid discomfort. We stop fighting our demons out of laziness. In my case, I just made excuses for overeating and stopped running when it got difficult.

I can't win every battle, but I'm worth fighting for. If I may leave this life that early, I can't keep wasting time. Chad's life was cut far too short, but it was valuable. It was valuable to his family and the people who loved him. It was valuable to me. My prayers are with his family and friends as they struggle to find peace. 

I've got another day to live still, and I'm blessed to have another day to run. 

More about Chad's story here...

Let's be honest

I had two weeks where I barely worked out and ate my fair-share of "bad" food. I even gained some weight back. I can't tell you how hard that is on me when I work so hard to not only lose weight, but maintain my weight loss. I'm human though and I think the biggest demon I'll ever face is my love of food. 

I caught myself thinking about food a lot, planning what my next splurge would be, dreaming about it really. Chicken fingers? Cheeseburger? Dairy Queen Blizzard? The thing is, if I could just have one of those and be happy, then their wouldn't be a problem. There is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying those foods from time to time. But I had one and then I NEEDED the others. Is one thing after the next.  I regressed into "Old Katie" mode and where I wasn't being satisfied in other parts of my life, I turned to food to comfort me.

That's just not me anymore and instead of lingering in this general state, I'm running away from it. Literally.

I officially started my marathon training on Monday. I just can't eat poorly like that and still have the energy, stamina, and general well feelings to run distances of any kind. And by distance, I mean a mile. *wink*. I created my own marathon training plan after consulting several different kinds. My friend and I are both following my self-made plan, and I'm hoping we'll see good results from it. And by results, I mean live to tell about it.

I really like the idea of incorporating trail-running and hills and speed work into the training plan. Lately, I've been all about working different muscle groups and focusing on strengthening the parts of my legs that need it most in order to avoid further knee injury.  I also like the idea of doing my long runs on a week day. I'd rather be completely wiped out on a week day then over the weekend. I'm also not committing to a specific number of miles on every long run. I'm well aware that every run is different from the last, and a day that I set out to run four, I might very well be able to do five and vice versa.

I'm excited. I'm nervous, but excited. 

I've also been doing Title Boxing for about a week now. That is by far the most difficult workout I've done to date and I'm loving the challenge. I won't be able to afford a membership, but I'm going to enjoy my last week I have with my Groupon!

After a 6 A.M. boxing class!

Made the mistake of doing a power hour boxing and then running three miles. I do NOT recommend that. I won't be doing it again.

Run With It

I turned 26 this week.
It snuck up on me. I guess I was too busy living to realize that the new number attached to my name officially puts me closer to 30 than 20. But unlike when 25 was looming, I'm not afraid. I'm excited. A year ago I posted a blog titled, "Best Year Ever." I talked about losing 100 pounds, producing a documentary, and starting the journey to find myself.

There are no words I could write here that would do this past year justice. Over this past year I made some mistakes, grew distant with some friends, felt like I was losing my mind at times, and cried over lost loves and days where I felt like I'd just never get what I want. I'm still poor. I'm still a bit lonely. But I'd be lying if I said this wasn't the "Best Year Ever"...because it was. If 24 ain't got nothing on 25, I can only imagine what that means for the coming year.

It's amazing how people can impact your life if you let them in. It's even more amazing how different your human experience can be if you shift your attitude. Here are 26 things I did or learned this year, in no particular order.

1. Completed post production on "Dream Season" and premiered it with my best friend.

2. Learned how to make delicious stir-fry.

3. Made amazing new friends and reconnected with old ones.

4. Went mountain biking! (And busted my face)

5. Brought my weight loss total to over 180 pounds. 

6. Smoked a cigar.

7. Ran a mile in 9 minutes.

8. Learned that people DO treat you differently based on how you look, but more importantly...YOU treat yourself differently.

9. Squatted 185 pounds.

10. Tried ethiopian food.

11. Ran a 10K with my best friend in the best small-town in Missouri.

12. Snuggled my nephew and welcomed a new niece into the family.

13. Watched my not-so-baby niece graduate from high-school.

14. Went fishing with my brother.

15. Cried hysterically while watching Garth Brooks perform "The Dance" live.

16. Took a nap in a hammock after floating on the lake with my sister, sipping on frozen drinks.

17. Jumped off the back of a boat.

18. Ran a race and got a medal.

19. Bought size 12 pants.

20. Learned that most people are doing the best they can.

21. Took a boxing class...and rocked it!

22. Learned the Merengue.

23. Watched one of my dearest friends get proposed to.

24. Discovered that I love wine.

25. Had the best day ever.

26. Moved in with one of the best friends a gal could have.

I have had a ton of people reach out to me this year, some friends and some strangers. On my "Best Year Ever" post from last year, my sister Rikki commented, "I'm thrilled you are starting to embrace your strength and run with it." I read that today and was somewhat amused. I literally chose to run this year in an attempt to better myself. I've run in all sorts of neighborhoods, on tracks, on trails, through water and mud, uphill, downhill, in all different parts of Missouri, Kansas, and Oklahoma. My running career is pretty much a parallel to my life at this point. I've faced some hard runs. I've been injured and healed repeatedly. I've gotten lost and been found. I've fallen down and got back up. I know that as I continue running, I'll face more and more of these obstacles. I know the same can be said about life. 

But I also know that with the people I love by my side, the will and the courage, it is very possible that 26 could be the best year ever. I've had a lot of fun, but I'm not finished.