Good morning, Moon

You know how you know someone wakes up before the butt crack of dawn to work out?

They tell you.

I’m telling you now that I’ve been waking up before 5 in the morning to get to my workouts in. I have to tell you this because I’m using this blog to keep me awake for at least another hour. At what age is it socially acceptable to go to sleep at 7 P.M.?

The workouts have been good, but I can’t say they’ve been brutal. I want us to push a little harder, hurt a little more, and feel just a little bit better. That being said, I’m pretty amped about our commitment and know that these wee hour workouts will ultimately pay off. 

What have I learned about myself and life before 6 A.M.?

·      Yogurt and granola bars are not a substitute for a delicious and filling egg breakfast.

·      The body will actually function before daybreak.

·      It’s possible to shower, dry your hair, and get your makeup on in less than 15 minutes.

·      You need flip-flops in winter.

·      Driving at 5:30 in the morning is nearly enjoyable.

·      My cat thinks waking up before 5 is unnatural.

·      You can run laps inside!

·      My knee hurts less in the morning

Eric has managed to make it to every early morning workout, which has to be an act of God. I’m not sure how I’d be handling this alone, so I’m very grateful.

It’s five minutes until 8 P.M.  Sleep is now acceptable…right?

Gym rat

I’m out of shape. I fell out of the exercise habit and I paid the price for it both physically and mentally. The good news is, I’m well on my way again and I’m feeling consistently happy and hopeful for the first time in months.

There was a lot of gab about people deciding to start weight loss and lifestyle changes at the first of the year. Social media makes it pretty easy for people to share their opinions…on everything. I saw several posts about people excited to work toward a new and better person. For some of them, this will be their first legitimate effort at changing their habits. For others, this may be the 2^nd or the 15^th time they’ve tried.

Alongside those hopeful and excited posts about new starts were other posts saying that people trying to lose weight or get fit this time of year were just “joining the new year’s resolution bandwagon.”   They implied that their gym membership was a waste and an annoyance since they’d become unmotivated eventually. It’s a shame really, because it’s never the wrong time to make a good effort.

Eric and I joined a community center just a couple days ago. It has workout equipment, an indoor track, basketball courts, and a swimming pool. We have to prepare for a half marathon at the end of April and a triathlon later in the year. So even if Eric drowns and I face plant off my bike again, at least we know we gave it all we had.

At this point in my journey I was more than ready to commit to a gym and the perks it has to offer. -30 degrees? I can run inside and not on the dreadmill. A year-round swimming pool will help my muscles and provide me a little variety. And I know enough about weight-training to be spending some consistent time focusing on various muscle groups.

I didn’t always feel “ready” for a gym membership though, and I’m sad for anyone who is starting the new year out feeling discouraged. I’m disappointed that so many people have reacted so negatively to people wanting to change their lives for the better. Eventual success or failure should have nothing to do with it, because recognizing you need the change and wanting it are the first steps.

These negative people are the ones who have spent years and years in the gym. They’re consistently making progress, staying healthy, and meeting new goals. Do you know what I have for these people? Respect.  I’ve only been working out regularly for a couple years and Lord knows that I’ve wanted to just throw in the towel on it a dozen times.

Unfortunately, I have no respect for someone who thinks another person’s goals are too lofty or efforts in vain. Everyone has to start somewhere and if it’s in “your” gym, during “your” time, I hope you welcome them with open arms. The Royals may not have succeeded with this motto, but we can; This is “our time”. Now is the time to make a change.

My gym experience so far? I’m feeling really good and really positive. Eric is a great motivator. He’s in better shape than I am which really pushes me to try harder. He stays positive, but also treats me like all my little successes so far are expectations not miraculous victories. I want to reward myself for everything.  I did week two of that Couch to 5K workout without stopping.  Woo!  Eric’s thoughts? “We should have started with week three.” That’s the truth, and I’m realizing that where I’m at in this journey should be accompanied with a lot higher expectations.

That being said, I still feel a bit discouraged. A lady at the gym the other day told me I should start by walking on the treadmill a little every day. She told me to, “Just take it one day at a time.” I’ve come to the sad realization that even after two years of working out and losing 170 pounds, I’m still the “fat girl” at the gym. People are quick to offer unsolicited advice. It’s frustrating and a little bit hurtful, but it also makes me want to push that much harder. I’m just not much for settling into negativity.  Getting healthy and feeling good about myself are priority, and these little things shouldn’t stop me from getting there.

I hope that everyone finds a way to strive for the 2014 version of themselves they so desperately want to meet. I hope that through discouragement and failures they find a way to pull themselves back up and keep pushing. . I hope these things for myself as well and I know having a good partner to help a long the way will be of great benefit. Attitude is a choice, regardless of the direction others around you may be pushing. Stay positive. Stay strong. Here we come.

Twenty-Fourteen

It’s January 5^th so I guess it’s time to post about the new year. Don’t ask me what happened in my life over the past year. I have absolutely no idea how I got from January 1^st, 2013 to today. Seriously.

I do know that the past year was full of stories and if I have anything to say about this year in front of me (which I do), this year will overflow with stories.  If God and life have anything to say about my coming year (which they do), I know those stories will range from tragic and painful to inspirational and outrageously fun. I hope no matter what, that my stories are filled with the kind of love and laughter I’ve become quite attached to over the past couple years.

Resolutions this year? I don’t want to box myself into a very specific set of goals that will determine how I feel about myself after these 365 days pass. I won’t be doing that. However, I whole-heartedly support the idea of resolutions and taking some time to reflect on where you’ve been and where you want to go. With that in mind…

I resolve to:

Have more victories.

I remembered a victory I had over a year ago. Eric visited me at work. When he left, he gave me a goodbye hug. As he pulled away he excitedly told me, “I can fit my arms around you!” and hugged me again. I had lost about 70 pounds at that point and it was an exciting victory in the middle of my journey to a healthier and better me. There will be more victories in 2014.

Work hard.

I was rewarded this year for my hard work…with more work. I don’t want that to end since I’m on my way to having a career I thought I could only dream about.

Play harder.

 I’ve seen life and death already in 2014. Beautiful babies born and hard goodbyes said. It’s true what “they” say. Life is short. I don’t know what I was doing the first 24 years of my life, but I wasn’t embracing that ideal. Life has gotten a lot sweeter since I realized that enjoying this crazy ride is part of what makes this life not only bearable, but enjoyable.

Love unconditionally.

For those that I love, no stipulations or obligations. I love you plain and simple.

Give freely.

I don’t have a lot to offer materially, but I think I have a lot to share and should give more freely.

Cue that hallmark music? Come on folks, we’re all trying to create better versions of ourselves. Cut me some slack. Let me post this cheesy New Year’s post and let us move on with our lives. I’m excited to see what my friends and family do with this year. It is going to be a year of opportunity. Don’t pass any one of them up.

Where you'll find me

I borrowed "The Terminator" from Eric this week. This is the third time I've plopped it in the DVD player in the past five days. It's a Denison family favorite and the nostalgia puts me straight to sleep. Add it to the list of things that keeps me weird. Anyway, tonight I'm using it as background noise so I can finally crank out a blog post. 

I've been MIA for weeks now. The thought of updating this blog has exhausted me to the point where I don't even begin to write. This has always served as an emotional outlet for me and although the past few weeks have been incredibly emotional, I just don't have the energy at this juncture to spill my guts. I hope you'll settle for a picture update and just a little glimpse into my life at this moment.

The Bearcats. They've been winning, and I've been able to make it to a handful of games including the big win this past weekend. They're headed to Florence, Alabama for another chance at a national title. Guess who's going? This girl!

I did a wine tasting in Weston with Chris, Sara & Tim. Friends, laughter, and wine. It's hard to go wrong.

I've been making a movie with Eric and loving every minute of it, except for that whole part of the Louisville adventure where I thought I was dying. Never figured out what it was, but I enjoyed the trip nonetheless. Eric is a good travel partner.

I've been celebrating new adventures. Eric and I  can't wait to start our second of two projects this year.  Life is challenging, but it is good.

I've been listening to Willie, Waylon, and George Jones records.  I've grown up a lot since the first time I spotted records in a thrift store with my sister over ten years ago. "Hey look at these. They're cool. You could like...collect them."

And now I do collect them and I've been enjoying the hunt for those perfect records. I've found a few. Eric and I have enjoyed kicking up our feet after logging tape and listening to good music...until you have to flip it. The record player will go in the new office--another current project. 

I've been spending time with family. My nephew is getting so big. I had a lovely getaway to St. Louis with my big sis and had some time to spend with my brother and his family.

I went to a Christmas Tree farm with Eric. I capitalized "Christmas Tree" because it was that exciting for me.  I always had fake trees growing up, Everyone should go at least once in their lives. I figured 26 was as good an age as any.

I attended my friends' annual holiday party. I showed up to these two crazy santas. It was just a good reminder of why I love my friends.

I got back to the gym. I've lost 10 of the 22 pounds I gained back. I'm only 10 pounds away from liking myself again. Kidding,but not kidding. The marathon is out because of lingering knee problems but triathlon training starts January 1st. Eric and I will do this or we'll die trying. If anyone is on the tri boat, let me know. Love workout buddies!

We're redoing the office. We're making it officey. This picture doesn't do justice to the progress we've made. But just know it's going to be epic and we'll get to say we did it all by ourselves. DIY. I'm about it.

There's been a lot more in between all this, a lot more people I've spent time with, a lot more challenges I've faced, a lot more fun I've had, and a lot more experiences I didn't capture. But for the most part, this is where you'll find me. I'm somewhere close to happy, though never content. Keep pushing forward. There's a lot more adventure to come...

Making movies, learning lessons, and growing up

I cry about everything now and I’ll probably cry when I write this. I’ll keep you posted.

I want to write this now, before life gets so hectic that I don’t have time to. I want to write this now, so that I can remember how important this really is to me when I feel like giving up. I want to write this now because I haven’t before and I’m feeling blessed.

It was August when we found out that Dream Season had been nominated for a Mid-America Regional Emmy. It was a surprise for a lot of different reasons, but mostly because Eric and I are just two stupid kids still trying to figure out what we’re doing.  The nomination came almost a year after our first documentary premiered in Maryville and long after I was willing and ready to close the Dream Season chapter of my life.

But things happen for a reason. I’ve always believed that, even though I try to ignore that thought when I want to feel miserable about life.

Cry Katie, let it out, no one cares. God’s punishing you.

I so often forget that those hard times make the good times better.

Making a movie…it’s not as easy as it looks. Did you know that you need permission for everything and you have to pay a million people a bajillion dollars to even entertain the notion? As we entered post-production on Dream Season we were hit with more unexpected expenses and fees (because we’re just two stupid kids remember?) and Eric just looked at me and said, “Tell me that everything is going to be all right.”

It wasn’t the first time we thought about throwing in the towel. By that point we had every single video we needed to create our movie, but quitting was still an option. It was always an option, and to be honest, at some points…not a bad one.  I don’t know that it would have been a bad decision then, but I do know now that it would have been the wrong one.

I can’t watch Dream Season without wanting to bang my head against a wall. I think people always feel that way about their own work. There are so many things I would have done differently if I could go back and at least 352 ways I could make it better now. When Dream Season was happening, I fantasized about future projects but when it ended, I couldn’t see us pushing through to create anything else. I came to terms with that and I even told Eric, “If this is the only thing we ever do, I’ll be proud of us.” Despite knowing things now that could have made it better, I am confident that we told an incredible story, met some amazing people, and shared an experience that I’ll never forget. It changed my confidence, my attitude toward life, and my appreciation of Eric.

“As with any Journey, who you travel with can be more important than your destination.”

Eric. 

This almost seems like an open letter to him, and maybe on some level it is. But it’s mostly for me. I don’t want to forget how important he is and how blessed I am to have him by my side for these projects, especially knowing I’ll probably shoot eye darts at him consistently and shower him with profanities 17 times over the next two weeks…and it’s only the beginning of this new journey. Sorry in advance.

Eric and I became friends in college. Go Bearcats!  We are so different, but also so very much alike in so many ways, but let’s get to what matters here. I asked Eric, in the middle of Dream Season production, “Did you think six years ago when we met, we’d be making a documentary together now?” Absolutely not. 

It’s one of my favorite things to think about. How quickly and fiercely life pushes you in a new direction. Our friendship has definitely had its ups and downs, as most do. Forgiveness is important to me, and we’ve extended that kindness to each other on many occasions. Not the fake forgiveness that buys you a little bit of time, but the genuine forgiveness that makes it possible to do things like this together, not kill each other, and actually learn, grow, and have some fun.

Eric. He’s bad at accepting forgiveness. He’s generally late. He sometimes can’t remember a conversation I had with him two minutes ago (probably because he wasn’t listening), and he avoids confrontation like the plague. I mean that when I say it…like.the.plague.

He’s irritated now reading this.

UGH. I’m always listening! What do you mean I avoid confrontation?!

But Eric taught me a lot of things over the past few years. Take risks, be confident, have some damn fun. He taught me that you can’t take EVERYTHING so seriously. I learned that you can take a poster off a wall for an interview shot and climb on the back of your car to shoot the sun set and you’re probably not going to be arrested. I learned that the only way to get better at something is to just frickin do it. I learned that coffee is actually a necessity for some people and that red wine is better than white.

Eric.  What I learned about him. He’s a dreamer. He’s the type of person you text and say, “Let’s make a movie.” And then you actually do. He’s a little bit reckless, but almost always rewarded for his risks. When he’s not? Eh, move on. He’s the kind of person who doesn’t always have the words he needs to say, but also the kind that will send you flowers when your hard drive crashes. He’s brilliant and unbelievably talented.

(Here are the tears. Knew I wouldn’t make it through.)

He’s also the type of guy that says, “Yeah, let’s do this,” when you ask if he wants to make another documentary…even knowing everything we went through before. For two smart people, we sure can be stupid.  J

I’M SO EXCITED! We have not only one, but two projects in the works. Life hits you fast. And before you’re know it you’ve gone from just two kids who don’t know what they’re doing to two adults who know just enough, just enough to maybe make something great. That’s the goal. We've been blessed with more awesome opportunities and I won't waste them.

All those feelings from Dream Season have rushed back over me. Not the hard times, those pass. The excitement of the experience, the people we’re going to meet, the goals we intend to reach. Those thoughts have my head spinning and more than a little excited. I’m pumped. With everything I learned from Eric over the past few years, my dad, and the other great people I’m surrounded by, I’m confident that we can do this. Unlike last time, I’m not afraid of failing. We’re going to mess up. This is going to be hard.

This is going to be worth it.

Thanks in advance to my team of supporters who I know will be joining us on this adventure. Sorry in advance to Eric. I’ve only had one tantrum so far; Things are looking good.

Life is short. Here’s to risk, passion, trials, fun, and reward. Let’s do this.

Inspiration

I don't feel inspired to write or share right now. In fact, I feel everything but that. What's the opposite of joyful and hopeful? I never write when I'm feeling down. There's a reason for this. There are actually about 33 reasons and they can all be found as posts on my college blog. EMBARRASSING.

When we're feeling blue and depleted, it's so common to turn our days into pity parties. I actually texted a friend today and asked him to "send me something nice", because I was feeling so poorly about myself.  That's not fishing for compliments or encouragement, it's demanding it. Now, I get to feel bad about that too.

Has the lonely bug hit me or what? I've found a lot of comfort in being a strong, independent woman, but these days I desperately long for a hand to hold and someone to call who thinks the sun shines out my ass no matter what mood I'm in or what success or failure I've seen over the day.

I've gained nearly 20 pounds in the past four months. Not 20 pounds of muscle, but 20 pounds of plain old fat. No excuses, although I want to make them. I feel worse about myself and my body than I did when I was 368 pounds. The difference is, I care now. I care about the way I look, the way I feel, how others perceive me, and how much abuse this young (but old) body of mine can take from me.

I'm not writing this blog at an attempt to "get back on the wagon." I'm already there. But what scares me is how very important attitude is toward everything in our lives. The "I can do this" mentality has been the only attitude that has garnered me any success this far in life. Every moment that I've felt like I can't...well...I haven't.

Today I'm feeling like I can't do this, any of it. I can't do the two new projects that Eric and I signed on for. I can't lose this weight. I can't meet my work goals. I can't find my happy. For so long, I've used so much strength from within to fight my demons, but for the first time in a long time...I'm going to look to outside sources, at least until I get back to that place again where I feel like nothing in the world can stop me.

My dad, Eric, my students, my family and friends...they're my motivation for now. I'm inspired by others' successes, and I hope with just a little help, I can kick all this negativity to the curb. Frankly, I don't have the time or the life for it.

The power of forgiveness

Watching my family cry was really difficult.  Saying goodbye was even worse. Knowing I'd never see her again was almost unbearable, but when my mom was dying, I had to do the hardest thing I had ever done. I had to forgive her.

My relationship with my mom was always turbulent, but my memories of her are very fond. I don't remember a lot of my childhood, one that my dad says is probably worth forgetting anyway. I know I had a privileged life as a kid, that was sprinkled with verbal and emotional abuse that I've long since forgotten. It wasn't much different than the kid next door, but we all grow up and learn that we have to face our own pasts to have a future, no matter the good we've lost or the bad we've held onto.

My mom never told me she was sorry. She never apologized for any pain or sadness she had caused. But holding her hand on that day she told me that , "Everything is going to be alright, but I'm not going to make it,"...It just really didn't matter. How much of my 15 years had I wasted being bitter? How many great moments had I missed with my mom because it was just easier to be angry than move on? I still cringe at that thought, but the truth is...as hard as it was to forgive my mom, it was even more difficult to forgive myself.

You do and say a lot of mean things when you can't forgive. People don't drive you crazy; bitterness does. I was so sorry for all the heartless words that left my mouth, the hate I hissed, and the nearly cruel things I had done towards my mother because I had felt so slighted, so hurt. I don't really remember any of those things now. Mostly I just remember the great times I shared with my mom, the way she pushed her glasses to the tip of her nose to balance her checkbook, and how she'd dance around the kitchen to embarrass my little sister. I don't remember the all-out fights, but I do remember how she'd squeeze me tight afterwards and say, "You're my sweetheart."

I really forgave her. I really forgave myself. Maybe I used my forgiveness to block out all that bad  alone...maybe it was a gift, but either way I've truly seen the power of forgiveness. It was my general inability to forgive myself for other parts of my life that left me fragile, furious, and fat for so many years. Bitterness can really guide your life if you let it. It's a conscious decision to be miserable that I stopped making when I decided to get fit and start living a full life. I started the long and winding journey to forgiving myself that ultimately resulted in a much happier, much healthier me.

But I'm human. I'm far from perfect, and I've learned that I'll need to forgive myself for a lot of things in the years to come. I stopped forgiving myself for slip-ups and mistakes, and like clockwork I stopped forgiving the people around me for the ways that they had wronged me. It's lead to a couple really depressing months, a general feeling of being lost, a lack of motivation, a desire to eat...EVERYTHING, and a lot of built up bitterness.

I'm so bitter toward some people in my life right now, that I can taste the anger on my tongue. These are people I love. These are people, who like me, are doing the best they can. Honestly, some people's best is just pretty shitty. You have to love them, forgive them, and wait for them to come to their own life realizations or you have to let them go. Forgiving and forgetting is hard, but it's worth it. Because the only person you're destroying by withholding forgiveness, is yourself.

Forgiving someone for being a complete jackass isn't weak. Forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give someone, and it's an even greater gift you give yourself. It isn't an invitation for them to continue the same behavior, nor is it a guarantee that you'll never have to forgive again. Forgiveness is just a chance to make some wrongs right. It's a chance to share more good times than bad with the people you love. Or it's a chance to forget and move on from the people you don't love.

I'm going to have to forgive myself for a lot that has happened the past couple months if I want to stay on track and run a marathon in February. I'm going to have to forgive myself if I'm going to forgive these other people in my life who just can't seem to get it right these days. I love them though and I have faith that this phase of life will pass. They'll get it right, sooner rather than later.  One day I'll need their forgiveness, and I'll hope they'll decide the same thing that I have; They're worthy of my forgiveness and so am I.