Inspiration

I don't feel inspired to write or share right now. In fact, I feel everything but that. What's the opposite of joyful and hopeful? I never write when I'm feeling down. There's a reason for this. There are actually about 33 reasons and they can all be found as posts on my college blog. EMBARRASSING.

When we're feeling blue and depleted, it's so common to turn our days into pity parties. I actually texted a friend today and asked him to "send me something nice", because I was feeling so poorly about myself.  That's not fishing for compliments or encouragement, it's demanding it. Now, I get to feel bad about that too.

Has the lonely bug hit me or what? I've found a lot of comfort in being a strong, independent woman, but these days I desperately long for a hand to hold and someone to call who thinks the sun shines out my ass no matter what mood I'm in or what success or failure I've seen over the day.

I've gained nearly 20 pounds in the past four months. Not 20 pounds of muscle, but 20 pounds of plain old fat. No excuses, although I want to make them. I feel worse about myself and my body than I did when I was 368 pounds. The difference is, I care now. I care about the way I look, the way I feel, how others perceive me, and how much abuse this young (but old) body of mine can take from me.

I'm not writing this blog at an attempt to "get back on the wagon." I'm already there. But what scares me is how very important attitude is toward everything in our lives. The "I can do this" mentality has been the only attitude that has garnered me any success this far in life. Every moment that I've felt like I can't...well...I haven't.

Today I'm feeling like I can't do this, any of it. I can't do the two new projects that Eric and I signed on for. I can't lose this weight. I can't meet my work goals. I can't find my happy. For so long, I've used so much strength from within to fight my demons, but for the first time in a long time...I'm going to look to outside sources, at least until I get back to that place again where I feel like nothing in the world can stop me.

My dad, Eric, my students, my family and friends...they're my motivation for now. I'm inspired by others' successes, and I hope with just a little help, I can kick all this negativity to the curb. Frankly, I don't have the time or the life for it.