Missing mom

Yesterday was a beautiful Easter Sunday. I was so excited to put on my brand new summer dress and strut around in my favorite wedges. I absolutely love spring. The lovely weather and bright, sunny skies just renew me.

I slept in late and headed out for a run after breakfast. It was perfect. I got ready for Easter dinner while listening to my favorite Eric Church and Garth Brooks songs. It dawned on me that this would be a perfect day for fishing. So, I packed up my bag with jeans and a tee to change into after dinner. I even packed my cowboy hat because I honestly have no where else to wear that thing, even though I love it. I hopped on the scale before leaving for the afternoon.

199.8 pounds.

I'll have a whole post dedicated to that number, but I have to mention it in this one to explain the rest of this post.

It was a really happy moment, a huge accomplishment. And then like lightening, it hit me. I wish my mom was here. I banished those thoughts to the back of my mind, grabbed my keys and headed to my dad's.

Dinner was nice. Not like it used to be, but nice. I got to spend a little time with my younger sister and see my dad, happy to be home from a long business trip.  But I knew they were coming. The tears. Of course I was right. When I got into my car to head to the lake, that song was on. It's the one that gets me every time. So I cried like a baby for the first time in a long time. I made it to the lake just in time to watch the sun go down, alone on a rock, right by the water.

In just a little over two months it will be 10 years since my mom died. Ten years. That's so incredibly insane to me. I don't think about her every day like I used to, but about once a year or so I become overwhelmed with loneliness. Yesterday was one of those days. It's usually something sad that triggers those feelings, but this time was different. It was a beautiful day. I spent great time with family. I met my biggest weight loss goal to-date. I wanted so badly to share those moments with her. I wanted to remember them with her in them. But unlike my journey this past year, wanting it more won't make it happen.

My mom was difficult, but brilliant. She could make me laugh and cry, all in the same moment. She drove me nuts a lot of the time. But if there's anyone that could be more excited than me about my past year, it would have been her. She would have demanded celebration, even if I tried to fight it. She would have danced around the kitchen and smothered me in hugs. Just like my struggles, my victories are not the same without her.

I  woke up this morning after three hours of sleep and decided to pull myself together. She really wouldn't want me wasting my life away feeling sorry for myself. I said a little prayer, snuggled my cat, and decided to make the most of my day.  That's what I have to do when I'm missing mom.